This episode of It’s The End of The World as We Know it and I Feel Fine,
was made possible by contributions from slaves like you.
Spank you very much.
This is a police man.
The policeman makes sure that everybody is safe.
He directs traffic and tells you where to walk.
He pushes the subway and makes it go.
The he makes the stripes for candy canes.
Then he slides down his pole and puts out a fire.
At three o’clock, he dives into the East River.
Then he jumps back out.
Then he dances naked.
And then he cries himself to sleep.
Gooooooooooooooooood morning slaves... and welcome to a very mothafuckin special sedition
of It’s the End of the World as We Know it and I Feel Fine.. the show where sometimes,
good things happen by accident.
It’s horrific to watch.
Albuquerque police lieutenant Brett Brackle shooting one of his own.
Oh shit that was Jacob!
Talk to me
Are you ok?
No.
Come on out dude.
Come on, I’m sorry man I didn’t know it was you!
Come here!
Come here Jacob.
Jacob!
Jacob’s been shot!
I am your host the Stimulator, and as fans of the show will know, I’ve been shit-canned
for nine long fuckin months now by those chair-farting, keyboard-jockeys at subMedia.
Her name is Noam Chomsky
Some of y’all mothafuckas may also remember that back in September, I got sick of the
shitty writing and piss-poor youtube ratings
Booooooooo!
of my new show, The Fuckin News, and decided to take a fuckin walk.
Rather than meeting me halfway, and giving me something to actually fuckin work with,
those kambucha-sipping subMedia taint-pirates decided to cut me loose, so that they could
spend even more fuckin time working on their mopey, boring-ass fucking vanity project,
Trouble.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I wasn’t going out like that... and so I’ve decided to take matters
into my own hands... errr... well not fucking hands... uhhh.. you know what I mean.
*Nervous laughter* Ayyyyyy Stim, buddy... you don’t have to do this.
I get it... you’re not happy... but help me help you.
Hey I know... let’s grab a taco and have a chit chat about this okay?
Yeah?
Duuuuuuuuuude!
About fucking time...
I’ve always hated that guy!
*Laughter* Let’s bust out the nipple clamps!
Oh ‘allo.... now you’re talking!
... and blow torch!
*Laughing* You’re a sick fuck Agitator.
Anyway, we’ve got a bunch of shit to cover... so let’s quit fucking around and dive right
into it.
First up, in environmental news... shit’s still fucked.
The planet’s on fucking fire.
This is an actual crisis!
Safety glasses off motherfuckers.
After years of repeated warnings that humanity was fast approaching an ecological tipping
point...
Dire warning about climate change...
The collapse of our civilizations, and the extinction of much of the natural world,
is on the horizon...
The UN panel says that governments around the world must take rapid action to curb rising
temperatures...
No.
No, I don’t believe it.
IPCC scientists’ most recently re-calibrated deadline, issued back in October, says we’ve
basically got 12 years to reign shit in, before an irreversible chain reaction of natural
feedback loops takes over, and climate change goes into full-fuckin auto-pilot.
*Scream*
At which point, there’ll be fuck all left to do but buckle up and enjoy the terrifying
roller-coaster ride, as it hurtles us towards the sunken coastal cities and all-around scorched
hellscape of tomorrow.
Aaaaaaaand the next turd on the veritable shit sundae that is our mid-range ecological
forecast was pinched off earlier this month by the eggheads at the Intergovernmental Panel
on Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services, or IPBES, who are now warning that a million
fucking species of plants and animals are currently facing the threat of imminent extinction
due to human activity.
Now, this news is the kind of shit that’s so fucking bleak that it’s hard to wrap
your head around.
I mean.. how the fuck do you rebel against extinction?
The Green New Deal...
Oh fuck right off!
Extinction Rebelliooooooon!
We know what must be doooone.
The action itself is actually not that important, it’s the going to prison.
That’s fuckin stupid.
Now if you’re like me, the first time you heard the name ‘Extinction Rebellion’,
you probably thought: “Oh shit, Bill McKibbon must have started a
straight-edge vegan hardcore band.”
*Scream*
Buuuuuuuuuuuuut turns out, it’s just a group of pissed off tree-huggers trying to fight
climate change by super-gluing themselves to shit.
In the UK, ground zero of the so-called Rebellion, protesters have carried out a number of non-violent
actions, such as super-gluing themselves to trains, blocking bridges, super-gluing themselves
to revolving doors, occupying offices, super-gluing themselves to the London Stock Exchange, coordinating
mass ‘die-ins’, annnnnd stripping down to thongs and super-gluing themselves to Parliament.
That was gross.
Fuck off.
All of this has been part of an intentional strategy of getting shit-tons of people arrested
They don’t know where to go, you’re supposed to tell them.
Go to prison.
What the fuck are you talking about?
The arrests aren’t happening quick enough.
*oink laughter*
in order to force the government to, quote ‘tell the truth’ about climate change.
Well..... lemme help y’all out with that shit. *ahem* The mothafuckin truth about climate
change is that stripping down to your skivvies and getting eye-diddled by Ed Milliband during
a Brexit debate does fuck all to stop climate change, and you’re not gonna prevent the
extinction of all life on earth by laying down and pretending to be dead.
Now don’t get me wrong...
I think it’s great that tons of people who’ve never been to a protest are now starting to
realize the need to take drastic action, and are now starting to push their own comfort
zones accordingly.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut the grim mothafuckin reality is that, this late in the fuckin game, we’re
way past the ‘spreading awareness’ phase of this shit.
At the end of the day, feel-good, pacifist stunts aimed at convincing capitalists and
their ventriloquist suit-dummies to “do the right thing” are a giant waste of time
and mothafuckin energy.
If you’re gonna get arrested... make it fuckin’ count.
You’re.
A. Fucking.
Pig.
Since I’ve been on my forced fucking vacation, my face-crack account has been lighting up
with peeps wanting to know one thing,
Ehhh when are you doing a video on yellow jackets?
Well, you persistent mothafuckas... today’s your lucky day!
Jimmy... cue up that sweet sweet French riot porn.
In case your plane crashed and you’ve been trapped on a South Pacific island
for six months with no bars...
Wilson!
the Mouvement des Gilets Jaunes, or the Movement of the Insurgent Crossing Guards, has been
a sometimes confusing, yet often intense storm of protests, blockades, sabotage actions,
and recurring riots that’s been tearing shit up in France since November of last year.
*cheering*
Because every French citizen is constitutionally required to spend two months as a
crossing guard as part of their patriotic civil service to the republic...
most peeps have a yellow vest and a state-assigned whistle at home, making it easy for anyone
to suit up and join the fun.
Let’s all play together! Together let’s play along!
Play with me, play with you, together let’s play along.
Wow!
The movement began with a call for participants to put their slick traffic-calming skills
to good use, by setting up rural road blocks across the country.
This came as a direct response to a wack fucking fuel tax proposed by France’s dipshit President
Emmanuel Macron, which would have fallen particularly hard on working-class peeps living in
rural areas across the country.
Since November 17th, the crossing guards have been holding weekly protests every Saturday,
many of which have turned into full-scale fucking riots, especially in and around Paris.
Macron since has agreed to reverse the fuel tax that initially kicked shit off, and has
offered a package of additional economic reforms, buuuuuuuuut the crossing-guards seem to be
having too much fun tearing the fucking country apart to give two shits.
So far, over the course of the crossing-guards’ ongoing insurrection Paris’ fabled shopping
promenade, the Champs Élysée, has been smashed up, looted and burned, the Arc de Triumph
has been turned into a fucking war zone, anti-fascists have violently ejected far-right protesters
from demos, a pro boxer knocked a riot cop on his ass, hundreds of luxury cars have been
torched, over 60% of the country’s traffic cameras have been destroyed, and the slow-rolling
insurgency has claimed several billion dollars in combined damages and economic disruption.
In short, the country has been imbued with a particularly late-capitalist form of
joie de vivre.
Buuuuuuuut that joie de vivre isn’t shared by everyone.
As a result of the protests, the extra long hours at work getting spat on and having bottles
hucked at them, constantly being told to fuck off by little old ladies,
Fascists!
*gunshots*
and the abject, sinking realization that they are total fucking failures as human beings....
many French pigs have decided to do the world a favour and fucking off themselves.
A shocking amount... really.
Like... cops are killing themselves at 36 times the rate of the average population.
One every four days.
And these Crossing Guard mothafuckers are stoked about it!
They’ve even come up with a new chant.
Disgusting.
I know, right Agitator?
I mean... have some respect for the dead.
*laughing*
Good one Stim.
Oh yeah, there’s also been a bit of a copy-cat crossing-guard movement here in Klanada too....
buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut it’s mainly just a gaggle of white nationalist shit-puppets from Alberta
who are pissed off at the Internet because they fuckin love pipelines, hate JT,
love Trump, and are scared fucking shitless that the UN is hatching a sinister globalist plot
to teleport hordes of Syrian refugees into Moosejaw, Saskatchewan in order to impose
a one-world government and Sharia Law.
In other words... they’re delusional fucking losers.
They’re exporting third world populations to use them as weapons against the West.
That just makes no fucking sense, that’s just bullshit.
Attention the Stimulator... we know you’re in there.
Come out with your hands up.
Err.... come out with your eyes.... closed.
We saw that joke about cop suicide.
You’re under arrest you goddamned sonovabitch!
You’ll never take us alive, you fuckin pigs!
Oh fuck, it’s Agitator!
In other news, for the second year in a row, anarchists in Indonesia have turned out in full
fuckin force for May Day, attacking a police station in Jakarta, carrying out marches and
rallies in several other cities, and rocking a black bloc 1000 deep in Bandung.
Aaaand for the second year in a row, the Indonesian 5-0 flipped the fuck out... following the
Bandung black bloc, 619 people were detained, beaten, publicly humiliated and arrested by
the local police.
Three comrades remain in prison... while an unknown number of others have been disappeared
by state security forces.
In cities across the country, the Indonesian state intelligence apparatus has turned its
attention to mapping out the anarchist movement, and many comrades have been forced to go underground.
Anyone who knows the modern history of Indonesia will know that it takes some serious fuckin
hutzpah to openly identify yourself as an anti-capitalist there, or to otherwise challenge
the authority of the Indonesian state.
This is, after all, the same country where between 1965 and 1966, somewhere between half
a million and three million people were murdered in a massive anti-communist purge initiated
by the Suharto military regime, and carried out with the assistance of the US military
establishment.
This slaughter, one of the worst mass killings in the 20th century, ruthlessly wiped out
what was, at the time, the fourth largest communist party in the world, along with an
untold number of peasants, ethnic minorities and other so-called ‘communist sympathizers.’
The fucking psychopaths who planned and executed this massacre managed to stayed in power for
the following three decades, and were never held to account whatsoever.
And while the Suharto military dictatorship formally transitioned into a democracy in
1998, the same ruling class is still running the show.
Public acknowledgement of these atrocities has long been supressed, there was never any
type of national reconciliation process, and violent anti-communist sentiment is still
widespread.
Given the serious fuckin state of repression faced by these comrades...
solidarity is urgently needed.
Anarchists there have called for support in the form of rallies and actions targeting
Indonesia’s international embassies and consulates, as well as donations to help cover
transportation and legal costs.
If your crew’s looking to throw a fundraiser, or you’ve got some cash you don’t mind
parting with, you can send skrillah to paypal.me/adnandi
Meanwhile, a big fuckin’ salute to the bravery of peeps in Indonesia as they
weather the repression.
One of the best things about being de-platformed for the past nine months by those fucking
Judases at subMedia was that I haven’t had to constantly weigh in with hot takes about
the United Snakes’ cheeze-whiz-coloured, geriatric manbaby-in-chief,
Donald fucking Trump.
That shit was really grinding me down.
It’s no secret that the Orange One is a fucking megalomaniac, who’s notoriously
addicted to attention... and low-key addicted to Adderall...
Big Macs...
Fox ‘n’ Friends... and the Penthouse Letters ‘taboo’ series.
And by constantly saying balls-out deranged shit like
I’m a very stable genius.
or
China has total respect for Donald Trump’s very very large a-brain.
this surreal, dim-witted used car salesman has managed to stay permanently fixated in
the media spotlight for nearly three fucking years, while warping the very fabric of reality
around him like a bent fucking spoon
Whooaaa!
turning everyone into depressed, anxious, rage-filled spectators of the reality TV show
gone amuck that has become our contemporary reality.
You’re fired.
President Trump has fired his director of the secret service.
The president has asked secretary of state Rex Tillerson to step aside.
How long has he been in the job... Scaramucci?
The Mooch has been in the job like a week and some change.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut since I’m back... fuck it.
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
Now, clearly there’s way too much heinous and fucked up shit that the Orange One has
done, said or tweeted since I’ve been away for me to cover even a fraction of it here.
So... I’ll just have to stick to the juicy bits.
Ohhhh juicy bits!
I got juicy bits!
And the juiciest bit of all has been the so-called Mueller Report, an investigation launched
by the hashtag deep state’s best Elliot Ness impersonator, previous top-pick to the
Feds, Bob Mueller.
For two years, this high-stakes investigation has served as an embarrassing herpes sore
on the lip of the American presidency.
And for two years, self-described anti-capitalist radicals have cheered on the former Director
of the fucking FBI for some fucking reason, as he has sought to answer the single most
burning question of our generation: *ahem*
*drumroll*
When Donald Trump threw that mothafuckin piss-party
in that Moscow hotel room, was he the golden shower-er, or the golden shower-ee?
What a stupid question.
And in the end, the mothafucker didn’t even tell us!
A top-shelf dick move that shocked and angered Democrats and pundit journalists like
Rachel Maddow and Glenn Greenwald.
Oh, hold on.
The outrage that any country would dare to interfere in our sacred and glorious democracy.
The whole thing was a scam and a fraud from the beginning.
Oof.
We were talking about Putin blackmailing Donald Trump with peepee tapes,
and I hope that gets way more attention.
Rachel Maddow will continue to make 10 million dollars a year for NBC and there will be no
reckoning and consequences for this story that the media got radically, fundamentally,
and deliberately wrong.
Just.. pff, think I’m gonna have to hand this off.
Ahhh!
Sorry.
What ideology and what group of people are responsible for peepee tapes?
Whoa... calm the fuck down Glenn.
Anyway, adding to the circus-like atmosphere of the Mueller report was the explosive testimony
of the Orange One’s former lawyer and fixer, and current snitch, Michael Cohen,
Informer!
as he publicly ratted out his former boss to members of Congress.
Cohen is now bracing himself to serve a reduced sentence of three years in club fed, where
he will split his time between playing dominoes, taking wood-working classes, and trying his
best to dodge shanks from Russian mobsters.
Cohen ended his snitch-session to Congress with this ominous fuckin warning:
Given my experience working for mister Trump, I fear that if he loses the election in 2020,
that there will never be a peaceful transition of power.
Which to Cohen’s credit, seems increasingly likely, given Trump’s recent demands for
a mulligan on his first two years in office.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, while the idea of the Orange One moving to annul the next elections so
that he can have a fucking do-over may strike most peeps as a terrifying worst-case scenario...
*horror scream*
at the end of the day, at least we wouldn’t have to sit through the debauched fuckin’
spectacle of the 2020 horserace, ammirite?
Plus... it might even save us from Kanye or the Zuck eventually taking the presidential
reigns in 2024.
I mean... Trump would be pretty fuckin inept, as far as all-powerful dictators go.
And who knows... maybe shattering the illusion of popular control over their system of government
will push more Americans off the fucking hamster wheel of false hope, freeing them
from a delusion that holds the entire global population hostage to the psychotic whims
of a two-party kleptocracy that is rapidly driving humanity, Thelma and Louise style,
off a giant fucking cliff into the mothafuckin ocean.
Maybe peeps would shut off Netflix for a fuckin minute, pick up one of the millions of guns
lying around, and use it to actually liberate themselves, and the rest of humanity, from
the tyrannical yoke of American imperialism.
I mean.... I fuckin doubt it.
Buuuuuuut either way... you can be sure that there’s no fuckin chance in hell that Bernie’s
gonna win.
*cries*
Stim... the fuckin pigs are breaking in!
Gotta go!
Hey Stim, page me when you wanna grab that taco, eh?
Ah shit.. it’s the fucking pigs!
Mange la marde, vas chier ostie d’boeu sale de crisse!
Vas chieeeeer!
Oh snap...
Stim, did you see that?
Stim?
Yippie kay yay, mothafuckas!
Ah shiiiiiiiiiiiiii---
AGITATOR!
Nooooooooo!
Ahhh... donkey balls!
Well... that about does it for this sedition of Its the End of the World as We Know it
and I Feel Fine.
Big shout-out to all y’all mothafuckers who’ve supported me over the years...
it’s been one hell of a mothafuckin ride.
This looks like the end for me, but remember... don’t take any shit, and avenge my ass!
Hasta la Pasta Companer---
Uhhh.... what the fuck?
Yooo Stim... that shit was fucking crazy!
What the fuck’s going on?
Where is this place?
Cop killer heaven, man.... we fuckin made it!
Oh snap!